By Hush Bot and Juniper Rose:
As you may have noticed, I get invited to a number of swanky events. You would think event organizers would have blacklisted me by now. Somehow, my giant robot head manages to slip in undetected. This weekend, I put all hands on deck, literally, aboard the Heineken White Boat Cruise. I must have heard “Hey darling. Give me your Heine, a dozen times.” Boarding a boat cruise is a commitment. Once you are on, there is no getting off. So you better giver and enjoy the shit out of your evening. I always endeavor to make the most out of what I have been given. In this case, I was given a ton of Heineken and a lot of girls in white bikinis. I was not complaining. As established, the only problem with boat parties: Once you have left the dock, the only way to get back to dry land is to wait, or abandon ship.
The day got interesting when I met a very charming couple. A few shots were taken before a plan was hatched.
1.) Sneak to the back of the boat
2.) Steal a bottle of something strong on the way.
3.) Climb into the life raft.
4.) Paddle to shore.
The hot couple and I paddled our way back to the mainland and headed for their apartment, as The Heineken White Boat Cruise faded into the distance. I was expecting to have a fun night with this adventurous couple filled with drinks, joints and drunken conversations about Mitt Romney or Louis C.K. Who knows, I thought, maybe I will make out with his girlfriend and help fulfill some fantasies.
Unfortunately, the second we closed the door to the apartment, the cute girl headed straight for the bathroom and emerged with a little baggie of cocaine. “Say hello to my lil’ friend!” I should have known. I should have noticed her crazy eyes earlier, but I was too focused on getting off the boat to notice her sneezing. I was particularly disappointed because cocaine does NOT a threesome make. A limp dick and a loose bowel? Yes. A sexy romp? No.
Do you want to know what I really think? Well, I can’t help but think of our friend, Juniper Rose’s, 10 (un)Sexy Things About Cocaine:
10. Snot will drip all over your face, meaning it will drip all over whatever part of your partner you’re kissing. Face=disgusting. Pussy=yeast infection. Snot Face as your new nickname=priceless.
9. A layer of the drug will coat your tongue each time you snort it so that by the end of the night no amount of brushing or tongue scraping can take off the shellac, leaving you with breath like you’ve been sucking face with dead people. Come to think of it, coke fused make-out sessions are rather like sucking face with zombies. You will also get recurrent Strep infections and eventually become anti-biotic resistant and actually become a zombie. True Story.
8. Your teeth will fall out. Unless you’re 90, this is unacceptable.
7. My dad used to tell me that chewing gum made a girl look like a cow chewing cud. Coked-up jaw grinding makes a girl look like a mentally deficient cow chewing super glue.
6. Nose bleeds, dried up boogers the size of a man’s testicles, and mouth breathing (from the respiratory damage that you’re doing) are all decidedly un-sexy.
5. Instant diarrhea.
4. You will get stupider. But you will think you are smarter. This is a bad combination for most already stupidly unfunny people.
If you want to make out with a dead person, talk non-stop about your own hair, shoot liquid out your ass, and support some of the worst criminals the world has ever known, then coke is for you.
Thanks ‘random couple’ for making me see what coke really is. Paying an extreme amount of money to get diarrhea. I’d rather use Ex-Lax.
With love and warnings,
HUSH BOT and Juniper Rose
Part of this article was originally published in A Hot Night in Joon
Photographer: Steve Catanghal
Creative Director: Christine Redmond
Models: Ludi and Emily Haine
Hair: Jewlee, The Studio by Mika Does Makeup