Dear Hush

OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE GOLD

Does gold digging leave you feeling more like a trapped Chilean miner than a pampered princess? This issue’s dating advice digs a little deeper into how to really get the gold.

Q. I only date hipsters. I do love vintage plaid and I enjoy talking about Internet memes but I’m sick of drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon and eating taquitos in Gastown. I don’t mean to sound overly enterprising but how do I bag a guy with more capital?

A. Let’s get one thing straight; being a gold digger isn’t a testament to your entrepreneurial spirit. In the mining industry someone who searches for gold is called a prospector, in dating they’re called shallow, lazy and superficial. However, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to wash down your filet mignon with expensive champagne.

To meet a rich guy you have to tactfully position yourself in their lair. Rich guys tend to hang out in groups, usually on boats. The Vancouver International Boat Show, which happens in February, is like Christmas come again for gold diggers. If you can learn your port from starboard and are comfortable throwing around nautical puns, you’ll definitely meet the sea captain of your cash-laden dreams here. Bejeweled fingers crossed, you, him and his bank account will be sailing off into the sunset (on a 100-foot yacht) by May long weekend.

But if wearing horizontal stripes is about as nautical as you’re willing to get, an easy shortcut is to hang out in Yaletown. Although bankers, real estate moguls and professional athletes flock here, they’re also expecting to sift through transparent gold diggers like yourself. To differentiate from the hood rats you need to employ a couple easy tactics. Although he’ll be trying to get your attention by beckoning you over to drink from his Grey Goose bottle service, always insist on buying your own drink. If you’re feeling advanced you can even offer to buy him a drink. Feign extreme disinterest if he mentions anything about a summer home, country club membership or seasons Canucks tickets (yawning and checking the time work well here). He’ll be so confused and intrigued by the time you’re finished your speech on why you actually prefer flying coach that you’ll never have to drink Polar Ice vodka ever again.

Keep in mind that gold digging isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. If you lack a real connection with someone, premium alcohol, high thread count and yachts will not make you happy. What will make you happy is finding a guy you actually like. So get out your shovel, dig in and find someone who is generous of heart and generous of wallet.

Words | Christine Tam