Primal Attraction and Biology

Primal attraction and biology. Two relationship experts weigh in on why we may not be able to control who we’re attracted to

I have a type. We all do. Oddly however, I always thought it was just a coincidence that the men I usually date are all handsome, funny, wealthy types, who wear an abundance of plaid, play a sport and drive luxury station wagons. How could I not connect the dots? You can imagine my relief to learn that I’m not simply a shallow, looks-obsessed plaid magnet with a thing for all-wheel drive, but that the type of men I’m attracted to is a pre-determined entity that I have absolutely no control over.

Primal attraction, or whatever you want to call that animal, instinctual nightmare we experience when meeting someone we want to have sex with, is less about logic and more about biological factors and sociological upbringing. That means that all of you freaks with fetishes for big ears and/or bald spots can relax. You’re not sexually deranged, you were born this way—sort of.

My research into this topic lead to two very different sex and couples therapists based in Vancouver, both of who probably think that I would be well served to book an appointment. In the name of science, I set out to get to the bottom of what drives attraction and what determines who we fall for.  When it comes to dating, I tend to think that men are pretty simple, basic creatures who can be easily satisfied by rib-eyes, sports, lively conversation and racy lingerie. In contrast, women usually have a longer list of things they “need” in order to be content. For instance, I need the person I’m dating to be good at texting, drink wine and like dogs. Other women need things such as a verbal commitment of monogamy, a desire to have children, a clean criminal record check, a nice sounding last name, a good job, a shared love of Moroccan cuisine, a university degree (or three), a handle on recycling, and the list goes on and on and on.

While all of these over-the-top, societal-driven expectations may be consciously on your mind when you meet someone new, research suggests that they have nothing to with whether you’re actually attracted to someone.  Sex and couples therapist Dr. Pega Ren explained that we decide almost instantly whether we want to hook up with someone or not. She said one reason for this is that we are subconsciously drawn to mates whose physical traits resemble those of people we had positive relationships with in childhood.

“You may not be aware in any way because we have very few memories from that time, but you might find certain traits especially endearing,” Ren said. “Those sorts of things happen to us hundreds of times as we grow up and mature. We meet all sorts of people who have had positive effects on us and we incorporate all of those good experiences.” If this is true, I must have had a babysitter who looked a hell of a lot like Mason Raymond, but I digress.

This phenomenon applies to both men and women, but when it comes to sexual attraction, things start to get more complicated. Couples and sex therapist Dr. David McKenzie, thinks that men and women need different things in order to be fulfilled in the bedroom.  “Women need an emotional, intellectual and spiritual connection to be able to be turned on,” he said. “It doesn’t mean that men don’t also need loyalty and faithfulness, but women need to feel emotionally connected when it comes to sex, whereas men don’t.” However, not everyone agrees; Ren said that this theory doesn’t give men enough credit.

“I think that it’s an unfair stereotype that we’re so very different in the way that we love one another,” she said. “We’re not very different. Men require an emotional connection every bit as much as women do. How we express our attraction and our physical needs can sometimes look a little different, but to say that women give sex so that they can get love and men give love so that they can get sex is untrue." McKenzie was keen to point out that his theory doesn’t mean women can’t be turned on by one-night-stands. He said that if a woman wants an ongoing relationship to develop into a deeper connection, and it doesn’t, she will stop being sexually attracted to that person. This may mean that for women, the line between sexual attraction and emotional attachment is finer than it is for men.

One thing McKenzie and Ren can agree on is that attachment is heavily influenced by our biology. The sensation of falling in love, for example, is caused by a complex cocktail of oxytocin, endorphins and hormones—drugs that we produce all on our own. All the Viagra and Prozac in the world could not imitate this high.  "We all release endorphins, we are all oxytocin junkies, and rightly so because there is no better drug than the ones we make ourselves when we fall in love. It’s marvelous and these bonding chemicals come from way back when we were climbing out of the primordial ooze and needed each other for protection,” Ren remarked.

Ren said that during sex, particularly after orgasm, the oxytocin that is released causes sexual partners to bond. But she warns that having sexual chemistry with someone shouldn’t be an excuse to stick with an unworthy partner.

"This does not mean that we can’t make good, valid choices in whom we choose to continue to date or to mate with,” she said. “We may be completely blissed with someone, but we are still able to say ‘no, I prefer to hook up with someone who has a job and washes,’ even though we still feel ecstatic after the sexual encounter." While there are aspects of attraction we can’t control, Ren reminds us that there are parts we can. Men and women may have different ways of expressing themselves sexually and emotionally, but in the end we’re all just drugged-up, endorphin-loving, oxytocin junkies kissing our way through frogs on the path to find a prince, princess or, in my case, a Mason Raymond look-alike.

Words | Christine Tam

Photos | Michael D. Hawley